Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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