how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
