I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
