I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
