im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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