I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
