Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
