Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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