Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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