I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
