i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's rum buckets o'clock
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
