I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
