Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
