Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
