I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
