i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
