I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Even my vagina gasped.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
