He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
FUCK WHALES
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
