literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
