God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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