FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
