Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
