I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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