remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
