The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
