If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
is wine microwaveable?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
