im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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