On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
