chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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