i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
