i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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