3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your mouth is God's brothel.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
