I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
