Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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