I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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