I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
