i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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