Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize