I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
