I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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