You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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