my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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