When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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