We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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