I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
