I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
