Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
