smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize