Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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