i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
