I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
