Farmville is her only friend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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