Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
