Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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