They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
